Why is this not exciting news? Cause it’s not my proposal. Sound Selfish? It should.

Hear it comes. Word Vomit.

I hate being a girl sometimes, more often I hate my life. Normal? I sure hope so. It is hard to feign happiness for someone when they have what you desire. It is hard to look them in the eye and say congratulations when you would prefer to cry.

Life is hard. I hear its worth it. I certainly hope one day I can see the light.

I hate feeling this way. I don’t like being bitter. I want so many things of which I have none. Positives, there are many. At this moment I am so blinded I don’t see them.

I have a lot more than others, I am blessed no doubt.  I just feel as thought my life spun out of control. Taking a turn down a road of which I see no end.  Sometimes I see the light but mostly it is black. I am lost. My life doesn’t feel like my own. 30 is more than upon me but almost half way over.  What do I have to show?

A) Husband

B)House

C)Education

D)Children

Answer:

E) None of the above.

Rarely, do I let these feelings rear their ugly head.  Not only do they bring me down but they don’t exactly send out rays of sunshine to those around me.

Who likes to feel out of control?  No one does. That was part of my disordered eating. Control.  Ultimately none of us have true control, we have to accept that. What can you control? Decisions and fear are things you can control. However, I am the master at letting fear control me.  Logic says you aren’t succeeding if you don’t fail. I see failure as just that. Failure.

Changing your outlook is a little harder than changing your shoes.  It requires determination and drive.  Unfortunately I am too  consumed with what I do not have to channel my inner determination and change things for the better.

Seeing the engagement in action sent me into a dizzy spiral. Life as I know it flashed before my eyes.  The only pictures I could see where loneliness.  The only life I would live would be alone.

“Manners are charming, who I am fooling I am still nobodys bride” -Jewel

After having messed myself up royally, my moods are far from level. Who wants to deal with that?  Furthermore who wants that as your parent?  Reflection shows my childhood as being less than the picture of perfection. I am sure that rings true for many. I just want better for my children.  That is if I haven’t ruined that opportunity through a string of poor choices.

I long for children. Aside from the obvious lack of a husband I am in no position in any part of my life to provide a stable home.  That in itself eats to the very core of me. This irresponsible façade is not the Mria know.  Like everyone I wish to take back a slew of bad decisions I have made.  Yes, I learned from them but I still feel as if I am paying for them.  You live, you learn.

A smart woman once said there are really no wrongs you can’t make right again.  I certainly hope that proves true.

It’s off to Birthday/Engagement Dinner.  This day has to end better than it began, right?

Back with a better attitude,

XOXO

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