Neighborhood walking, seems to stir my ever wondering mind. Here’s the latest. And the updates on last week are getting further and further away. Oy vey.

I am not one to say what works for everyone. I am not even one to say what works for me most days. What I do know is what I see. I am forever silently watching the world. Relationships fizzle out all around me. Namely, around the ten-year mark. Sure maybe they have been miserable a long time, maybe they have stayed for the kids, maybe they were just too afraid to leave. Whatever the case maybe, unless it is something truly heinous (i.e cheating or abuse) what is it that makes you wake up and proclaim you aren’t in love anymore? Some people actually even work through the BIG problems. Is it just a lack of trying on one or both sides. Purely giving up? Ten years is a long time and a lot invested. Family, animals, bank accounts, homes, salt shakers, memories.

What is it in humans that is so self-serving we refuse to bend a little in order to accommodate another. Is it just simply human nature? After all aren’t we all supposed to be equal. In fact, aren’t most relationships broken because of many little things that finally turn into one big thing. Do we really think it is so easy to find another human to love us. And if we do, why should that last? Have we actually even addressed the problem? Have we looked in the mirror and fixed what is wrong with ourselves? We know there is always going to be someone more attractive, with seemingly more to offer. That is called temptation. But that person too will have problems, little things that bother us. They may be bigger in the long run. Is it that we simply love them more therefore we are willing to overlook their flaws? Or have we finally made peace with settling. Is settling ever a good thing?

A girlfriend of mine is in the process of trading lives. Finding a house, drawing divorce papers, starting from square one. She has a good job and a seven yr old little girl. Her soon to be ex has finally gotten his life together but she has had enough. Their 10 year anniversary would be this July. I am supportive in whatever she wants to do. I was there on her wedding day, I will be there the day she packs up her current life. I just can’t help but wonder, why people can’t leave the past in the past and move forward. Why do we hold such resentment towards those we love. Those that supposedly love us. If we loved each other at one time, where does that love go?

I was once in a similar situation. Not that BF and I were married, but we may as well have been. After almost ten years together, I left him. Was it a combination of many things. Absolutely. Do I regret it? Yes, but no. I learned a lot. In our case we had been together since we were kids. There are lots of things I could nit pick and say of it had been this way we may have lasted. Facts are facts. We spent a few years apart. I think it was good for us both.

The thing is hearing about a friends impending divorce throws out all these dormitory questions in my mind. Curse of a divorced kid I suppose. You never quite feel like anything is permanent. The kicker is nothing IS ever permanent. Life is ever-changing. People are ever-changing. The world is constantly changing. Even love is subject to change.

If you worry (like I often do) you have to realize worrying will change nothing. Thinking is good, Obsessing is not. If you spend your entire life obsessively worrying, odds are you aren’t living. I guess I just have to make peace with the fact life is scary. Things will change. But it can’t prevent me from building a life. If I moved away tomorrow, eventually it would become home. And all that I know would be unfamiliar except in memory. Maybe memories are what get some people through the day. BF’s Grannie often talked about her life back East. Only good things happened there. Maybe that is what kept her going, when her life here wasn’t what she wanted.

I am unsure of a lot of things. I am scared of a lot of things. But I can’t let it stop me from living.

XOXO

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